Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Was I Drunk?

          I once stated that without the aid of a cocktail and clouded judgement, there weren't any men worth meeting, and I have yet to be proven wrong. Unfortunately most men and women are under the influence of alcohol when they meet a prospective partner for the first time. Not only are many people somewhat tippsy when they are first attracted to someone, but they are somewhat inebriated a fair amount of time while in a relationship. That being said leaves me to ask if people in disastrous relationships were drunk throughout their entire relationships?

         I know I personally now look back and am quite certain that I was out of my mind during several relationships. While I might like to blame my poor choices on my being drunk I am afraid I can not. Thankfully I have never hit the bottle on a daily basis and therefore I can not say that I was hammered through a relationship's entirety. Then again while being courted I did enjoy a cocktail or two, and I am convinced that those cocktails were my demise. The truth is had it not been for a drink here and there with dinner, I might never have gotten involved with some of the men whom I dated. For that matter had it not been for a glass or two of bubbly I might never have married my ex husband. Let it be said that until one spends time with another without being even the slightest bit buzzed one should not get involved with another.

     I was seventeen years old when I met a guy whom I thought to be a  very cute football player from the University Of Miami. It was a Frat party in the dark, and it was a keg party.Being that I never was very fond of beer, I had only one full cup of beer, as to have a slight buzz. I went home with hopes that this guy might be interested in me. Well, the next day I did see this footballer whom I was so taken with the night before, and it was daylight. Not only was it the bright of day but I did not have the sensation I had had the night before from a solo cup of beer. Clearly the darkness and the slight buzz had turned this guy into something he was not. As far as I was concerned this person was an impostor. Well, put on those infamous beer goggles, and even the homeliest can look pretty fine. I should have learned early on to never drink alcohol when single. Clearly when under the influence one is without the capacity to determine whether a person is attractive, let alone decide if a person is someone with whom one would like to get to know better.

         While I wish I could say that I was downright polluted while my ex husband was courting me, I was not. However did I enjoy a drink or two when we went out? Yes, and had I never had a glass of my favorite champagne with my now ex hubby I might not ever have gotten involved with him. The same can be said for an ex boyfriend or two. The truth is alcohol does makes even the plainest person dynamic. Even if one has only one drink while with another their ability to judge another is completely gone. A person who might not appeal to us in the least bit while sober suddenly becomes the hottest, funniest, and  most intelligent person we've ever met! While we may not be drunk every minute we are with a significant other, we do get used to the significant other whom we became attracted to after having a drink or two. What happens is the person grows on us like a fungus. The end result is we wrongly think we are in love with someone with whom we are not. Thanks to alcohol many of us end up dating and or marrying people whom we might never have, had it not been for alcohol.

          I am convinced that one should only get involved with someone whom they have met and spent time with sober. I want a significant other whom I'm crazy about without a drink. I want a partner who I can  communicate and laugh with, without being buzzed. Unfortunately in dating our dates all consist of a bottle of wine, or cocktails than dinner. Therefore at the most important time of getting to know someone, we are not really getting to know someone. Think of the time that is wasted on people whom we might never have gotten involved with had it not been for alcohol. Couples should drink after they've gotten to know one another, not before. It's the couples that feel comfortable with one another and have fun with one another without being tipsy that have the real thing. I for one don;t want a man to grow on me like a fungus. I personally would rather be attracted to someone at first sight. I also would rather have someone with whom I do not need to loosen up with a glass of chablis in order to enjoy the evening. I think couples should get to know one another before having cocktails. If a couple is truly crazy about one another after a month, then if one so chooses, celebrate with a glass of Dom or Vueve. I know for myself, I want a man who turns me on, and makes me laugh, without the aid of being somewhat intoxicated, and until I find him, "I'd rather be single...for now!"
(c)Sean Bianca 2015

Friday, May 15, 2015

That's Why I'm Single!

      "I can do whatever I want to do,that's why I'm single", says the attractive young bachelor. I never really thought about it, until this man pointed it out, but he's right. Being single does have it's advantages and while one is unattached one should enjoy every living, breathing moment of it. It is my belief that many men and women waste far too much time moping about their not having someone, when they could be thoroughly enjoying their spare time, and freedom!

     The world can be, and should be a single person's oyster, if only everyone could have the right attitude. Why? Simple. When one is single, one's time is their own, and that is simply sensational. Feel like playing a few more holes of golf or tennis before heading home? No problem. Want to workout a bit longer and work off a few more calories? Done. Chatting it up endlessly about nothing with someone whom you ran into at the grocery store? No problem. Feel like hitting the mall and casually strolling and shopping? No worries. As a single time is one's own, and one is able to spend as much time doing what they feel like doing, which can be pretty phenomenal. 

     Time is not the only advantage in being single. How one chooses to live their life without being critiqued, is another advantage to being single. One is able to eat what and where they want to eat. As ridiculous as it sounds such is true. Case in point, as a single I ate at The Greenstreet Cafe, in Coconut Grove, Florida, some four to five times a week. I loved the place. Clearly. It was a sidewalk cafe' where I usually ran into a friend or friends. Greenstreet was like my "Cheers" where I knew the owner, and everyone knew my name. I ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner there and it was my place! Well "my place" was no longer "my place" after I got married. PM, as in post marriage I was lucky if I ate at Greenstreet half a dozen times a year. "My place" where I could get seated during the busiest times ,rarely saw me anymore, thanks to my now ex hubby. Hence one of the many reasons he is an ex hubby!

       As going to our favorite eating establishments is a plus when single, so is what we eat and how much we eat. As a single I at times have been known to happily consume pints of "Talenti Gelato". While I don't pig out on a pint of ice cream every night I do so, now and then. Never could I guiltlessly enjoy my gelato in front of a significant other. Likewise I would also have difficulty eating half a pizza with a boyfriend for fear of being told I should cut back. As a single I can scarf down as much pizza, pasta, gelato and chocolate chip cookies as I please. When not involved, one can over indulge till they're sick, and no one is there to say a thing about it. Nope no one is there to say "don't you think you've had enough?" There's real beauty in that!

       When single, I have to admit that I do seem to do a whole lot of something and a whole lot of nothing, and I enjoy myself tremendously. When solo I work out more, I play more golf, I take long walks on the beach, and I hang out more with my dogs, friends, and family. I also organize, or shall I say I attempt to organize. During one period when I was single I actually photographed my shoes and attached the pictures to my shoe boxes. It was a project that would never have taken place had I been otherwise involved. While single I have also been known to clear out my closets, bathroom cabinets and even the garage. When single I am quite the organizing extraordinaire! Such organizing would never take place if I were always dating someone. Never, and that's why I'm single!

        So, as I am solo, alone and not seriously dating anyone, I can pretty much do what I want to do, and that's just grand. Yep, it's grand alright. I can pig out on pizza, be a foodie at my same restaurants again, and again. I can gulp down gelato, play golf till sundown, and organize the world. Yes being single is something, but after awhile it gets monotonous and old just like everything. The truth is, being single is better than being with the wrong person, but it's not the end all be all. As a single our time is our own, as there is no one to go home to, or get ready to see. As eating is enjoyable, it's also more enjoyable to share the fun of gorging oneself with another. Think about it, if alone one can't turn to their significant other and say, "oh honey you have got to try this, this is to die for, melt in your mouth!" Somehow food isn't quite as thrilling after awhile. Likewise, if one travels alone they have no one with whom they can share the excitement and the experience. They have no one to take pictures, and no one to talk to, other than strangers. When single one can be king of the remote, but there is no one with whom to snuggle on the couch, laugh at a comedy, or cry with after a tearjerker. If one is single such is true that life is easier, but easy doesn't necessarily equal better. Perhaps we singles are single as we have not yet met our so called "soul mates". Just maybe the trick is to find someone with whom we can be who we are when we are single. Translation,we must find someone who likes many of the same things as we like ourselves. We must also find someone who accepts our likes and dislikes, and lets us be who we are as a single.

     It is said that we must first love ourselves before we can ever love another. If such is the case, than we singles that truly enjoy being single are ahead of the sulking singles, in that we are comfortable being with ourselves. I've heard many men and women say that they'd like to find the opposite sex of themselves. I once thought those who wanted a partner like themselves to be rather arrogant, and self centered, and now I get it. As much as I believe couples need their own lives apart from the other, I also believe couples must have commonalities. I know I personally don't mind at all being alone. I rather like me and I am waiting till I find that best friend with chemistry and until I find that guy, "I'd rather be single...for now!
(c)Sean Bianca2015


Wednesday, May 13, 2015

What Is Wrong With Men Today?

      Men. What is wrong with men today? Are all men
complete narcissists these days, or are men being brought up by cavemen? Please help me to understand. I ask as there seems to be a real problem with men today having manners. Manners, heck the majority of men these days have difficulty being just plain nice when it comes to relating to women. Seriously, at present many men appear to be clueless in how to speak to a woman, and it's quite pathetic!

      Never have I told a man whom I was dating that he should reduce, and lose a few pounds. Have there been a couple of men that needed to lose a load? Yes, but would I ever say, "you know, you really are a chubb chubb, and if you would just not eat and exercise, you could lose that"? No, of course not. Why? Because I don't want to be mean, and I don't want to hurt the man's feelings. For that matter if I can help it I try not to hurt anyone's feelings. I guess when it comes to a person's weight, I figure that people who are overweight and out of shape already know their predicament. When one has gained weight they generally know that their clothes are too tight, and that they feel like a blimp walking about town. No one has to tell them as they have to lug themselves around, they know! I know I do. No one has to tell me when I've gained weight and that I should lay off the cookies and cupcakes. Yet I kidd you not, at my absolute thinnest I had a man tell me that I should refrain from eating carbs! Seriously? Yes, this man said this as he poked at my stomach at a business dinner. The poor woman across from me who was a good 20 pounds overweight must of felt obese as she listened to this pompous ass! This dingdong, who by the way was a good 40 pounds overweight! Why I did not respond in saying that he could use starvation for the next month or two, is beyond me. No it isn't, as I have been brought up to not insult others and just say what comes to mind without filtering first. It's called manners.

       Manners. Men today seem not to have them. Is it that men have not been taught? I'm not really sure, but it's quite bothersome. In my dating history I have had men say some pretty downright mean things. One man informed me that if I ever gained ten pounds he'd dump me. Stupidly I went on to lose weight of which was not needed and ended up down to a size double zero. I didn't even know there was such a size. I looked like a child from the back, and an adult from the front. It was not a good look! After thirty it's true, a woman must choose between her behind or her face, and at present I choose my face! As I had always thought I was alone in my being insulted by men on my weight, I recently learned that I am not. One friend briefly dated a man who continuously informed her that if she would only work out she'd look great. Of course he'd say not that she looked bad now, but wow she'd be fabulous if she went to a gym. This young girl already looks fabulous and she doesn't like gyms. Not everyone cares to go to a gym and work out like a maniac, and that's okay. I guess my feeling is if you don't like the way a person looks, behaves or lives, move on! One does not have to get their two cents in with their opinion and hurt a person's feelings. It's rude! As if the working out thing wasn't bad enough, this same dipshit wanted to weigh my friend. Thankfully that did it for this young woman, she refused to step on this man's scale, walked away and never looked back! May I say that if a man ever asked me to step on a scale for a weigh in I might just turn into a black belt! I thought my friend's husband weighing my friend after giving birth was bad enough, but a mere date? What the bloody hell?

      What the bloody hell, is most men today just have zero manners, and zero respect for women. I've had male friends tell me to get a boob job, a husband tell me I needed to work on my abs, and a man tell me that he never dated anyone as old as I. Boobs I could use, but I rather like my own, abs aren't an issue if I eat well and work out, and as for my age I am what I am, and age is just a number. To be quite honest until the one man informing me of my being too old for him, I had never given it a thought as I've dated up to 15 years younger and older. Apparently my age was an issue for a borderline obese man only a few years younger than myself whom I had absolute zero interest in. I wished I'd said, " Well, I only date men in shape " when he said " I usually date much younger women", but I did not. I might have also said that I dated men that could walk from their car to the house without sweating, but I held back. I held back and said nothing. Why do I never retort back with an insult to these men is quite simple. I was brought up to be a nice person with good social skills and manners. Sadly many men today are either without mothers or without mothers that acted like mothers. Suffice it to say that it's a sad society when men feel free to voice their not too complimentary opinions to women whom they are dating or whom with they have a friendship. With friends like that who needs them?

     Imagine if you will ,a relationship with someone with whom you picked apart everything unattractive about them and imagine if they were to do the same. If we all were to voice our distaste with our partners and prospective partners we would have rather miserable relationships. Seriously, who wants to have a 24/7 insulting contest? Not I. While I'm quite capable of insulting another, and capable of taking insults as well, I choose not to engage in such nonsense. If having a relationship today means being constantly criticized, I have to say, "I'd rather be single...for now!"
(c)Sean Bianca 2015


Tuesday, May 5, 2015

The Modern Woman

      Just recently I was asked what the modern woman had to offer men. I at first felt somewhat defensive, but then I thought, just what if anything does the modern man have to offer women? I also thought, how sad that today, men and women look at what someone has to offer rather than what they can offer or do for another.

     The modern world and relationships in my opinion is in the toilet to be quite blunt. Today men and women no longer see someone, become attracted, date, wait to have sex, marry, and live happily ever after. No, today people go online to "hook up" or have sex. Courtship is no longer necessary. For those who do date, many don't date who they are attracted to, but who can help them obtain status, who can provide, and who can make a good mother or father. A person's looks, intelligence, honor, personality, and morals are no longer of importance. Today's relationships are now about what does she or he have to offer me?

     Again and again I hear men complain of how women only care about the size of a man's bank account, the type of car he drives, and what a man does for a living. Men also vent on how women only want a man to take care of them and marry them so that they may someday take them for everything. Are men correct? Yes,absolutely. However what men fail to admit, is that they have caused women to be all about the money. The very complaint of which men complain, has indeed been caused by men themselves. 

    The modern man has in my opinion caused many women of today to be shallow and all about the money. The modern man has done this as today's man is also all about the money! If you don't want women to want you for your money, then I ask, why do you boast of your career accomplishments and salary? If you don't want a woman to want you for your wallet, then why do you brag about your numerous cars, homes, planes, and yachts? If you don't want a woman who is only present as long as you're buying her Gucci, Pucci, Hermes, and Chanel, then why do you choose women who you know are young enough to be your daughters and only want you for what you can buy them? Don't complain about modern women when you yourselves are responsible for creating the modern woman!

      The modern woman, who is she and what does she have to offer a man? The modern woman no longer cares about what she can offer a man. The modern woman is independent. She has learned that she can no longer rely on a man to take care of her. Today's woman has learned that the modern man can not be depended upon. Today many women have opted not to settle down at a young age so that they may pursue their careers as to support themselves. The modern woman sadly has lost some if not all of her femininity, as to be tough in the real world. The modern woman many times is as hard as any man today, and she is proud. Today women have decided that they can climb corporate ladders just as well as the men. Women have also decided they can jump into bed just like the men. Sex is sex, and a person with whom to have a relationship is about what can he do for me? Can he add to the bank account?  Will he be a good father?  Who does he know? The modern woman many times no longer falls in love, as she can't. She can't truly give her heart away as she now doesn't trust men. She is well aware men also are now goldiggers. Men now are with women for stature and other shallow reasons. The modern woman also is aware that the modern man  with money, power and stature, wants only a trophy and not a partner. Today's woman knows the men she could actually really fall head over heels for, don't want her. No the modern man wants much younger, and wants only the women that may only wish to destroy them in the end.

   I myself have fallen head over heels, given my all, and had much to offer and for what? I have had much to give as have many women whom I have met and befriended. As a married woman I believe I worked harder than I ever have in any job. I was fun and friendly at functions. I was Harriet homemaker at home.  Oh how I slaved with entertaining for my husband with dinners for clients, and associates. I hated cooking, and yet I killed myself trying to learn. Martha Stuart I am not, but I could make one heck of a cupcake and a sinful souffle. Not only was I a cook, and a great net worker, but I was my ex hubby's, maid and personal assistant as well. As a girlfriend I've been a shrink, a driver, a mother, a lover, and a sober coach, and I ask, for what? For nothing, and it will take one hell of a good man for me to become that woman again. 

     Unfortunately I am not the only woman to feel as if giving one's all is for not. Truly good women are a rare find, and men today seem not to appreciate the women whom have much to offer. The trouble is, is that yes many women today are all about the money. Which came first the chicken or the egg? Or shall I ask which came first women wanting men with money, or men wanting women to want them for their money? As the modern woman has learned she must be self supporting, she also knows she must be careful with whom she gets involved. The modern woman is now also a wallet for men who have jumped on the bandwagon of opportunists. 

      The question should not be what does the modern woman have to offer? Likewise the question should not be what does the modern man have to offer? The question should be, how can I add enjoyment, and spark to his or her life? The question should be about how one can enhance one's life and not one of what the other has to offer. As this modern world has become one of opportunists, heathens, sex addicts, and self centered schmucks, real love I fear may be lost forever. I for one am not looking for a man who only wants me for what I have to offer. I want a man who wants me for me, and who wants only to see me happy, and until that man comes along, "I'd rather be single...for now!"
(c)Sean Bianca 2015

Saturday, May 2, 2015

To Tinder Or To Not Tinder?

           Swipe left, left, left, oooh swipe right, left, left, left, right, and so on.  What I am describing is the latest online dating craze called "Tinder". "Tinder" is an app that one downloads to their smart phone. What "Tinder" is, is actually a sick smart phone game for adults of "hot, or not?" Once one acquires this rather sick app, one can see an abundance of pictures of the opposite sex. Yes, one can spend hours if they choose, browsing through pictures deciding if they find people "hot", or "not". 

        Adults playing a ridiculous game of "hot or not"? Personality, charisma, and character are of no value in this dating game. Shallow as it may be, I succumbed to this ridiculousness. How does it work? It's quite simple really, as any village idiot is able to partake in the madness. If one is a "not" which the majority are, one swipes the picture to the left. As one swipes to the left the person gets a big "NOT" across their picture in red letters. I found many of the men to look like pedophiles, mass murders, inmates, or escapees from the nearest mental hospital. As some of the photographs were quite scary I thought how bad are these people if this is the best they've got? Needless to say I spent most of my time swiping my finger to the left. Due to my continuously swiping to the left, I sometimes swiped some rather normal looking men to the left as well. Apparently to retrieve someone from the "NOT" side, one must pay a fee. As Tinder is in it for the money no doubt, there are perks with their membership. Perks such as the ability to retrieve a person whom one has accidentally swiped as a "NOT".I opted not to pay for the upgrade as I was less than impressed with what they were offering. I personally found most of the men to be below average looking, and quite scary. Occasionally I would be surprised by an actual attractive, normal looking man, and I would swipe to the right. Stupidly I thought I was merely saving these men to look at at a later date if I so chose to do so.  I quickly learned that such was not the case. To my surprise once I swiped a man's face to the right, "Tinder" was then in motion. 

 "Tinder" is not just a dating app, but it is a rather controlling, annoying, matchmaking app. How "Tinder" works is quite creepy, really. When one signs up for this dreadful app their pictures are automatically posted from one's  Facebook account. However,not only can "Tinder" access one's photos , but it also is able to see one's friends, interests and so on. Tinder matches people up according to people's common friends, and interests. While the app does have a clever plan for setting people up, it's far from foolproof. In my opinion "Tinder" should forget the whole "mutual friends" plan as a good many of us barely know half of our Facebook friends! Tinder should know that numerous people on Facebook friend request everyone from here to Timbuktu. If mutual friends fail to show up, "Tinder" then matches up men and women with their common hobbies, and interests. Once "Tinder" feels one is compatible with one or more of their likes, "Tinder" notifies both you and the "liked" person. Once the "Tinder" notification has been made, it is up to the two people involved to make the next move.It's a process, but one thousands of men and women are going through, and one from which I withdrew after only a few days.

      My personal experience on this dating app was not a pleasant one to say the least. One man whom I connected with and agreed to meet rapidly went down hill once we began texting. My first mistake was liking this person as his profile picture was  a picture of him in pants from the waist down. He was a sharp dresser and I was intrigued. Suffice it to say that if a man doesn't put his face up he is weird, but no one ever accused me of having a "good picker". My next mistake was giving this man my mobile number as it resulted in endless texting for two consecutive nights. To make a long story short, this man unloaded so much baggage on me from his late wife that I was completely ready for a lobotomy soon after. I was more than sympathetic to this man, but for obvious reasons I did not feel like he was the "one" for me.

       Not wanting to give up so easily I decided I would give one or two other men a try. Apparently one of my choices was from out of town, and was attempting to fill his week with breakfast, lunch and dinner dates. I might have been flattered that he chose to dine with me, but due to a message that was meant for another, I realized that I was merely one of many and nothing special. I also was asked by this complete stranger how he knew someone I knew, as we had one mutual friend. My response was "how the hell do I know how you know my mutualk friend?" clearly this man did not really know our one mutual friend.

  My last liked man turned out to be a disappointment as well. While he was cute and a "Heat" basketball fan, like that's important , he was a complete turd in my opinion. What intelligent person asks a teaching tennis professional, to play tennis? Seriously? I am on a court six to seven days a week, do men really think I want to play tennis with them? NO! I don't set foot on a court with a man unless I am head over heels madly in love! I informed this winner that I was not interested in playing tennis, but perhaps we could meet for coffee one morning as we both worked in the same area. Well, the man never responded and I soon after happily deleted my "Tinder" account.

       "Tinder" , "To Tinder or to not Tinder"? I say not unless one is fully aware of what "Tinder" is and in desire of what "Tinder" offers. Apparently unbeknownst to me, "Tinder" is for "hooking up", oh how special. Yes, "Tinder" is the newest tool for men and women to get sex, isn't that just wonderful? Men and women can see a picture, follow up and hours later bang like bunnies. Call me a prude, but what is wrong with people? Aren't these men and women just a little afraid of STDs? The kids I can cut some slack to as they're just assholes screwing everything and anything, but after the age of thirty? Come on! Any intelligent person whom has had great sex knows that sex is a hundred times better when one is in love with whom they are having intercourse. I guess my expectations of men and women after the age of thirty are too high. I'd like to think that most adults have moved on from casual meaningless sex. I'd like to think that men and women would attempt get to really "know" a person before jumping in the sack. Sadly I seem to be wrong as computer dating appears to be a hit for many.

       To "Tinder" or to not "Tinder"? Not, for moi, but yes for a good many. I guess I'm old fashioned, I prefer the natural way of meeting someone. I've always had the mindset that if one is a relatively normal person, with a cute personality, good morals and values one will eventually meet someone on their own. If one doesn't meet someone on their own, one who is nice, and likable will surely be set up by friends, acquaintances or family. Do I think that there are some decent human beings on Tinder? Yes, as even "I" was curious and gave "Tinder" a try. However, after only a few days I was off the site as I looked at the site as a shallow dating site for the demented, and the desperate.

       To "Tinder" or to not "Tinder"? Not! Why? I guess unfortunately I found the app indicative of today's society. Today we have all become so focused on the outside that we fail to see what's on the inside. As I swiped face after face to the left I wondered, "would I like some of these men if I met them and got to know them?" I'll never know as I only looked at a picture for a brief moment and concluded that, that particular person was "NOT" for me. How many times has someone become all the more attractive due to our falling in love with a person's personality? How many times have we not wanted to even be friends with someone due to their appearance to find out that they are the most giving person we've ever known? Likewise I can also think of some of the most attractive people turning into the homeliest of people due to their lack of generosity, and honesty. While "Tinder" may be a fun way for some to meet up,and hook up, I personally will take a pass as I'd rather be single...for now!
(c)Sean Bianca2105


Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Settling And Savvy In Singledom!


         Funny thing about life is just what we never think we'd do, say, or be happy with, we find out we are. I once made fun of golfers. I told the men whom I knew that played golf that golf wasn't a sport. I thought golf to be a fat, middle age man's way of saying that he had a sport. In spite of my opinion I took up golf. Not only did I start playing the sport of kings, but I became a golf addict. Likewise I at one time was a runner. Oh how I lived for that runners high, I couldn't get enough. As I got older I found my joints were no longer able to run, and so I took up long distance walking. Never did I think I would ever take up walking and never ever did I think I could be happy with walking. After dating one of many attorneys in my attorney phase, I proclaimed that I would never ever date another attorney. I married an attorney soon after. Never say never....

        I never thought I could be totally happy being single. Whenever single I wanted desperately to find someone. I often wondered how women could be truly happy being single. Why I don't know as many times I have been quite content in being single and sometimes happier being single than being in a relationship. At the same time whenever single I was somewhat disappointed in not having someone. At present as I have not chosen too "settle" for the men who have come my way I am actually really happy being single. For the first time I have not "settled" for less than I have desired in a man just for the sake of having a man, and I am happier for it. Suffice it to say I'm not "settling" for just any man, but I am "settling for singledom".

     "Settling for singledom"? No, I am in fact "settling single" but also quite savvy in my singledom. I like coming and going when and where I want. I like eating what, when and where I want. I like hanging out with my dogs, and I like being able to say, write, and do what I want to say, write and do. Yes being single is grand, until all of your girlfriends call you with the news, "I met a great guy"! Funny how one is happy where they are at to then be no longer content where they are at due to a friend's sudden change in status. While I want all of my single friends to find someone and live happily ever after, I have never wanted any of the men whom my friends have dated, or married. Not wanting the men in my friends' lives is a good thing of course, as if I did, well that could be quite problematic! All kidding aside, I am happily "settling single" until my friends all have someone and I have no one.

        I find it rather amusing that I am perfectly carefree until a friend or friends have something that I don't. Then again how many times have I had boyfriends when my friends were single? Rarely if ever will girlfriends all be blissfully happy and in love at the same time. While it would be grand if we were, life just doesn't work out that way, and that's okay. I believe when the "right guy" or for men the "right girl" does come along it's because it was meant to happen when it happens. Why force it? Why attempt to make something happen if one is actually okay where they are in their little life?

      While I am much like other women in that I would love nothing more than to be madly in love and happy, joyous and giddy with some great guy, I am also okay with being alone. I guess I just don't feel like putting the energy into meeting someone like I once did. In my twenties and thirties I was out every weekend, either out on the scene, on a boat, at a party or at an event. Mind you I may have been out every weekend, but never did I go to the same place ever, 2 weekends in a row. I had a strategy. I wanted to be the girl that no one knew when she was going to show up. Living in Miami was fun as a single. Although at times going out felt like a job. The whole process of what to wear to what event, or what place and what fashionable time I should show up was time consuming and draining. I'd dress to the nines, do my make up to look chic, and sexy, and go out in hopes of meeting "Mr. Right". "Mr. Right" may have not been out there, but I was seen on the scene. All in all I met many "Mr. Wrongs", and never ever "Mr. Right".

          Being single is not the absolute worst thing that could happen to anyone. What is the worst thing that could happen is, "settling" for a "Mr. Wrong", and wasting valuable time. I believe "settling" for just anyone to be with someone is pain that I just can't bare to go through. Perhaps it's my age.  As a forty something I just don't have it in me to laugh at a man's bad jokes. I've done that until my mouth ends up hurting. I don't feel like taking the time to do myself up for a man that I am less than even remotely attracted to physically. I am over trying to get to know people that I really could care less about. I'm done with meaningless chitchat with men who may not want anything more than a fling. As I've always said, "never say never". I guess as much as I always thought I needed a man to be happy I was wrong. I am at present,"settling and savvy in singledom". I guess I could say I want the "real thing" and until I find it I am "settling in singledom", and saying, "I'd rather be single...for now!"
(c)Sean Bianca 2015

Thursday, April 23, 2015

The List

          Lists, grocery lists, to do lists, don't forget lists, and so on. We've all made them and a good many of us would be lost without them. Just recently I came across a motivational speaker who suggested that single men and women make a list of their wants and needs from a prospective partner. Simple enough to do, but nearly impossible to find in real life. Then again maybe not if one is patient.

      Funny enough as a teenage girl I made a list. My list was what I wanted in my "Mr. Right. My list read like that of a Christmas list. My list was as follows:
                                   "My Mr. Right" (age 13)
     1. Blond hair, whoosh whoosh hair(hair one can run their fingers through)

     2. Blue Eyes

     3. Good looking as in GORGEOUS!

     4. Awesome Tennis Player ( Better than myself preferably a Pro on tour)

     5. Must have an accent, British, Australian, South African and so on ( this requirement was due to my having British, and South African coaches)

       6. "Cool"

       7. Fun, and funny ( In my yearbook senior year I was quoted as saying, "If he can make me laugh, I'm his!)

       8. Must love dogs!

   That was about how my list for my future soul mate panned out. I remember writing my list and feeling quite positive that I would someday, somehow find this man. Now looking at my list I can see just how truly ridiculous my list was. A man being caring, faithful, moral and  just plain nice didn't even enter my mind. I guess I naively assumed men were good and therefore I needn't think about it. Oh how wrong I was. I am amused at my description of my near perfect man. I can't imagine why I never found him. Not only did I not find this ideal specimen of a man, I didn't even come close. I dated very few men like that of my model man, and I married a man that was as far away from the  "Mr. Right that I had pictured so perfectly in my mind. All in all, I "settled"!

      Not once on my list of my Prince Charming did I say that I wanted a coke head, a drunk, a gambler, or a cheater. Never did I have a desire for a man that was unemployed, verbally and or physically abusive, controlling, and selfish. Never did I once did I say, "wow, a complete abuser, and loser, I want that!" Yet, time and time again I made exceptions and made due with what I found, as to not be single. Sound familiar? Sound stupid? You bet. I think all men and women should say out loud all of their prospective partner's flaws as to see how idiotic we can be in our choices.

      As I got older my list changed. One would hope that I would have matured in my image of my perfect match, but I did not. As a thirty something I decided that while I could live without a man with a sexy accent, I wanted a man that was a golfer. My man couldn't just be any golfer he had to be a great golfer. I suppose that could explain my brief interest in a crackhead that could drive the ball as far as the infamous Tiger Woods. Brief as it was, I wasted many days playing golf with a man that I should have run from. Who knows who I might have met had I played golf by myself. Instead I wasted time playing with a Dennis Quaid lookalike , who was charismatic, funny, and nearly a PGA Pro. Why? Because I loved to watch this man swing the golf club, and he could shoot well under par.Such maturity I had, as if an incredible golfer is what's most important in choosing a man.

     I dated another man that could play a great game of tennis, was adorable, successful, a good dresser, and was a pothead. This man was at least an hour to two hours late for our dates, time after time. Why did I continue to date this man? Simple, he was cute, he was a lawyer, he could play tennis well, dress well, and oh...he loved to eat! Now isn't that a fine way to choose a man? A man that loves to eat. For God's sake show me a man that doesn't like to eat. Then not too long after I met my now ex-husband. The husband from holy hell!

       My ex-husband, the man who should have been my end all, be all, was as far from my perfect man as I could possibly have found. I greatly veered away from my list and decided on what attributes I thought ought to be important. My ex was successful, the right age, and it was time for me to settle down. Attractive? He was okay. I actually once asked him if a horse had stepped on his nose back in his horse shoeing days. It had, and oh was that nose something to look at when he was in a mood. I hated that nose! Terrific tennis player? Not even close. Being a teaching tennis Professional I thought I might be able to improve upon his game. I was wrong. Far be it for me to know more about something than my darling hubby! Great golfer? Not really and it infuriated him that I could play as well if not better than he as he had been playing a bit longer. Accent? No, he was from the midwest and having moved about, he had managed to lose his accent. Cool? No not at all . I cringe at the thought of my ex ,dancing his happy dance in our kitchen. Let's just say dancing was far from his forte. In fact, it was a sight to behold. Lover of dogs? Yes so I thought until three years into our marriage I watched my husband dam near hang one of the dogs for not minding him. "The one"? Hardly. My ex hubby was nothing that I had pictured in my dreams. Nightmares, perhaps, dreams? Never. 

      At present I have changed, or at least I like to think I've changed. While I do believe that one must be attracted to one's appearance I believe one must also be attracted to the person inside. A man whom is "hot" is great, but it's what's on the inside is what really matters. I've found in really getting to know people that one's feelings can change. Men whom I was once attracted to I am no longer, due to a loss of respect and lack of character. I now know that what's inside a man's head and heart is what is important when choosing a partner. While a man that plays a good game of golf would be grand, I now know I need and want a man that's so much more. High morals and values, being honest, and thoughtful, are whats truly important. While I need not a billionaire, I do want a man that can hold a job, and hold it for more than a month, or two, or three. I also want a man that adores me for me. I want a man that gets a kick out of my flaws not one that grows to hate me for my flaws. In essence, I want a normal, upstanding guy and until I find him I know I am far better off in saying "I'd rather be single...for now!
(c)Sean Bianca 2015