Friday, September 26, 2014

Embracing Break-Ups!

 As an adult male or female, chances are pretty high that one has gone through a break up or two, or three or four, or more. As an adult the odds are pretty good that one has gone through a divorce or two, or God forbid more than two. Post break up, or divorce, our emotions are high. How we handle a break up or divorce varies. Some of us are bitter and angry and are miserable to be around. Some are depressed and melancholy choosing isolation. Others prefer to avoid their emotions, go out on the town and show all, how happy they are, to again be single. Many of us go through all of the previously mentioned emotions and reach a state, "of who gives a damn?" However as I have reached an epiphany, it is of my opinion that we should all "embrace break-ups"!

     "Embrace a break-up"? Yes. Instead of looking back at past relationships as a waste of time, and energy, one should look back and "embrace", one's past relationships. Every failed relationship should be looked at as not a failure, but a lesson. A lesson as to what we don't want, and what we do want in our lives. One learns what one can and can't live without, in past relationships. One also learns what they themselves did wrong and what they did right as well as what one can do better. One learns when one should have walked away, and when one should have run. One also learns when "embracing break ups", that they are worth more than for what they have settled.

     In "embracing break-ups" I've learned much, too much to tell but let me give just a summary of what I have learned. I know that if a man doesn't tell the world that he's with you ,and he still wants to be known as single, he's the wrong man. A man who is truly into a woman is proud to be with the one he loves and lets it be known, not just when it's convenient. Many would be surprised to know that I am speaking of my ex-husband as it was a secret to many that he was engaged. A lesson was learned. I now know after much pain, aggravation, drama and turmoil, that I can not save anyone who doesn't respect themselves enough to save themselves. That was a hard lesson, but finally learned. I've learned that if a man cheats, lies, and uses others,including his own family, that he will do the same to me. The trouble is many of us fool ourselves into thinking that we'll be "different", and we'll be "the one", we'll be "special". Another lesson of which I learned the hard way, and I am ashamed to say that it was a lesson I had to learn more than a time or two. I've learned that a man will travel to hell and back and do for a woman he loves. I've learned that I do not want a man living in his parent's garage or basement. I've learned that I don't want a man without values, scruples and morals.  I've learned that I don't want a man who is jealous of his wife or girlfriend, but proud of her. I've learned that a man that doesn't respect himself will never be capable of a relationship with another. I've learned that a man should not want to change his girlfriend or wife, but accept her just as she is, as I am to accept him as well. Yes I've learned that one the hard way as well. I can't make a man out of a boy, a gentleman out of schmuck, a winner out of a loser, or a great man out of a man that will never be. I've learned that a man should love a woman's flaws just as much, if not more than a woman's assets. I've learned a lot and so much more.

  Just as I've "embraced break ups", and learned the negative I've also learned the positive. I've learned that I love being adored and treated with respect. I now know that I want a partner and best friend instead of a boss, or doormat. I want someone with his own interests as I have my own. I want "fun", laughter, craziness within reason, and chemistry. I want respect and I want to feel the utmost respect for him as well. In essence, I want it all, as well we all should, and aren't we all worth it? I know I am and until I find him, or he finds me, "I'd rather be single...for now!"
(c)Sean Bianca 2014

Thursday, September 25, 2014

A Man In A Suit...

     It was at the Plaza in New York. It was on the front steps. It was a cold windy December day when "a man in a suit", and a camel cashmere coat made an everlasting impression on a ten year old little girl. That ten year old was I, and that ten year old was forever tainted by, "a man in a suit". That day, "a man in a suit", gave a little girl her first "ahhhh" moment. That man never knew but that man was what this little girl hoped to one day have by her side, as she just thought that there was something she really liked about, "a man in a suit".

     The gentleman I was all so taken by at a young age, was what I thought to be the perfect man. To this day I can still see that particular "man in a suit". That man was in his late forties, that man was quite attractive, and fit. He was tall, with dark hair and a hint of grey. His hair was hair a woman could run her fingers through. This man could well have looked rather good in just about anything, but this man was in a suit and that's what made him. His suit was no doubt a custom tailored suit. It was a black suit, and it was made of only the finest material. This man's suit was style, and I knew that someday I wanted "a man in a suit". 

      What is it about "a man in a suit"? First and foremost, perhaps it's the fact that "a man in a suit", must have a job, or we hope it means he has a job. Few men run around in suits without a job.  "A man in a suit", is power, is class, is sophistication,and so much more. "A man in a suit", can get any woman he wants I guarantee. Yes guys, put on a suit and women are yours for the taking. The trouble is it's not just any man in a suit that can get this girl. No, it's not JUST the man in a suit. I learned the hard way that there's so much more than "a man in a suit".

    As "a man in a suit', a fine tailored suit can draw many a woman's attention, it's what he does after that is what is truly important, "A man in a suit", is no doubt what can capture a woman initially, but can he fill the shoes of the man "in a suit"? Does he have manners? Does he have class? Does he treat a woman with respect? Does he respect himself? Does he treat others with sincerity? Does he care and think about more than  just himself? Does he give or does he just take? It's true "a man in a suit", can indeed take a woman's breath away, but that man "in a suit", must be a man to fill what the suit means to a woman.

    It wasn't just that "man in a suit", at the Plaza that made a mark on that little girl that one December day. No, there were a couple of other men that made a mark as well. Every time my grandfather went on business I was able to be impressed by "a man in a suit". Not only was my grandfather a looker in a suit, but my uncle was as well. My uncle would visit on his way into Manhattan and be in his finest to meet with clients, and I again was taken by "a man in a suit".

    That little girl that was so impressed by, "a man in a suit", running up the steps into The Plaza Hotel, has as an adult learned that much more is needed that just, "a man in a suit". I was married to "a man in a suit", and I've dated many men in suits. The trouble is in today's modern world there are men in suits, but not true gentlemen in suits. I and many women still love "a man in a suit", but all to often "a man in a suit", disappoints. I guess I still want that "man in a suit", but I want him to be everything the suit represents, but until then, I'll walk away and say, "I'd rather be single...for now!"
(c) Sean Bianca 2014

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Take Action And Find A Man!

      "Well what do you think? Do you think prince charming is going to show up on your doorstep and ring your doorbell?" Truer words could not have been said to me as I walked off the court with a woman to whom I had just taught a tennis lesson. This woman was flabbergasted that I was single. Not only was she shocked that I was single she was even more surprised to find that I was doing nothing about my single status. Quite clearly my student was unaware of my blog, "I'd rather be single...for now!" Nonetheless my lesson who was quite seemingly frustrated, raised her voice and exclaimed, "take action, do something, and find a man!"

        Is that what one who is single should do? Take action and find a partner? Perhaps one should, but then again what if one doesn't want to take action to ensure finding a partner? There's no guarantee that just because someone decided that they would like to find a significant other that it's going to happen! Just because one takes action and does whatever they can does not necessarily mean that one will find the love of their lives. I'd like to win power ball and have played several times over and guess what? I'm still not a multimillionaire!

     Take action, do something, and find a man? Sure I can find a lot of men, but I don't just want any man. I want the right man! I've been married to the wrong man, and I've dated all too many of the wrong men. I'm pretty much an expert at finding men, just all of the wrong ones. There's no surprise as to why I find myself saying, "I'd rather be single..for now! Call me a cynic, but I don't think my making a conscious effort to find a man will ensure that I will find the right man. I know this is true as guess what? I've been there, done that and not doing it again!

    What have I done? I have in fact taken action to find a man and what did I find? Oh I found men, I found lots of men. I found men that were psycho, men that were anal retentive, men that were addicts, men that were boring, men that were nice enough, but not for me, men that were liars, men that were egotistical asses, and need I really go on? The point is in making a serious effort to find a man I found trouble, angst, turmoil,and drama. Another words I found nothing. "Seek and thou shall find?" I think not. I think seek not and thou shall be surprised!

     When in Miami, I joined the Tropees of The Historical Museum of South Florida, and The Vizcayans of The Vizcaya Museum. I also went to numerous wine tastings, large events, and happy hours galore! Did I meet men? Sure I did, but I did not meet my prince charming. What I met were men who were married, men that were out for nothing more than a good time, men that were out to shoot the bull shit with one another, and men that were such prize assholes one wouldn't want them even if they proposed with a ten carat diamond.

     After my divorce I moved up to Palm Beach county and again went on my quest for a man. What did I do? I dieted, I worked out incessantly,  I botoxed, I dressed up in heels, I dressed to the nines, and looked my best.  I went out on the town to numerous hotspots, I reluctantly signed up for numerous online dating sites, as well as subjecting myself to blind dates from hell. That all being said I ask , have I have I not put forth more than enough of my life in trying to meet a man?
   Of course I have, and frankly I am wondering why I and so many women put such energy into finding a man as I am quite sure that single men are not putting forth nearly the time and energy as we women. Let me begin with the  fact that the men I met certainly didn't work out like mad men in hopes of attracting a woman. Nope, the men I met pretty much let their beer bellies hang as if it were a badge of honor. Did the men dress to impress? No not at all. Some wore flip flops for fine dining, oh joy, others wore Robert Graham and thought they were oh so cool, one thought he was out of GQ with his plaid and bowties,  and denim was all to overdone. Must I go on? Oh yes I must. A good nose job could have been a huge plus for a couple of men I dated, tweezers for nose, and ear hair were much needed for many men I encountered, and a good batch of botox or collagen could have been a huge improvement for many men. To be perfectly frank in looking at the pool of men available I am at a loss as to why I and so many other dozens of women spend such time and money in trying to attract a man.

    Take action and find a man? No not I. Would I like to have a man in my life? Of course, and so would millions of other women. I'm sure many single men would also like to find a woman as well. The point is a good majority of us are happier being single than jumping through hoops in trying to find a boyfriend or girlfriend. I guess I am of the belief that if it's meant to be for me to be with someone, it will happen, and if it's meant to be for me to be single forever, so be it. For myself I've realized that it is better to be single than be with the wrong one. Perhaps I wouldn't have met so many disasters had I not forced things and gone on a tear to find a man. I do believe that meeting the right man is like finding the right dress. Just when you give up and aren't looking you find that perfect dress, and sometimes that perfect dress was always right there in your closet all along. Who knows? Perhaps I've already found my perfect dress, or perhaps it'll pop up sometime soon! Until I find that perfect dress, I'm not searching and seeking, I'm enjoying singledom and happily saying, "I'd rather be single...for now!"

(c) Sean Bianca 2014



Sunday, September 14, 2014

Settling For SIngledom!

     Settling for singledom. Yes a good many men and women have thrown in the towel on trying to find the right one and are settling for being single, or "singledom". Sad but true. Of course those that have chosen this path don't see their choice as sad at all. Those that have decided on "singledom" are quite proud of their status. Not only are those that have chosen to be single, proud, but they're quite happy as well.

     Perhaps I'm wrong, but as much as I tout, "I'd rather be single...for now", I'd much prefer to be in a fabulous relationship. The point is I'd rather be single, than be with someone who isn't adding to my life. However I do think being involved with someone is a rather nice addition to one's life. I just don't think "settling for singledom", is a very pleasant way to spend one's life.

     I get it, those who are divorced with children feel that their lives are fulfilled, and for now that may well be the case. Yes at present while a man or woman's children are young I'm sure one's life is pretty much complete. The question is will one's life be fulfilled once the children are grown up, and have families of their own? Sorry to be a killjoy but once your children have families of their own you will be taking a backseat in their lives. I seriously doubt anyone wants their Mom or Dad around as an adult 24/7. With that being said Mom or Dad needs their own life.

      I for one am quite independent, but I do prefer being with someone whose company I enjoy. Not only tha,t but what fun is it to always be alone? I guess when out and about, and I observe men and women dining alone at a bar I think it's a rather glum existence. The bottom line is, sure that solo diner may have a great chat with the bar tender. He or she may also have a laugh or two with a stranger, but then what? Then what, is that person goes home to either have a one night stand, (yuck) or an empty home. If that person's home is empty perhaps there is a dog or cat, but it's not like one can tell their pet about their so very interesting evening, dining with strangers. Seriously, is that how one wants to finish their life? Alone,"settling for singledom"?

     " Settle for singledom?" I hope not. I myself do not relish the thought of dying alone and not being found till the stench of my dead body has reached the neighbors. I can't think of anything worse. As if dying alone isn't bad enough, growing old alone doesn't thrill me either. No one to curl up on the couch with and watch movies with, no one to yell at when they break wind, no one to share jokes with, no one to impress with my latest and greatest deasl at Saks or Neimans. The list goes on and on. If one is alone there is no one to travel with, no one to complain about politics, and current events with, no one to ooh and ahh over good food with, no one with whom to make love, and no one with whom to have stupid trivial arguments. "Settling for singledom", in my opinion is not how one should want to live the rest of their life.

    Why anyone would choose to not be open to a special someone is a mystery to me. I too can be quite content on my own and do cherish my alone time, but not not all the time. I suppose some people can live their lives solo with interaction on the various social media sites, but after awhile one has got to want some actual interaction with a live human being via face to face. Wouldn't it be nice to actually say to your significant other that you like what they're wearing instead of just "liking" it on facebook? Wouldn't it be nice to share a meal with another human being rather than taking a picture of the dish, and posting it to instagram, twitter or facebook? Furthermore, I for one would rather retire at night with someone with whom I am in love, than alone watching old reruns till they I asleep. "Settling for singledom?" Only if I do not meet the right one as I do think growing old with someone is far better than growing old alone. I personally am not "settling for singledom", but until I meet that person who adds to my life, I am now saying "I'd rather be single...for now!"
(c) 2014

Friday, September 12, 2014

Self Conscious And Single!

             Self conscious and single? Yes, I admit it ! As much as I would rather be single...for now, I really do dislike being single. The truth is I would rather be single...for now, than be in yet another disastrous relationship. I would also rather be single than partake in online dating, blind dates or dates with men whom mean nothing more to me than being able to say "I'm on a date." Unfortunately, as a forty something year old woman I would much rather be in a relationship than be "single", and quite frankly I do have the tendency to get self conscious about being "single".

      Why do so many of us get self conscious about being single? It's not like EVERYONE else in the world is married or in a relationship. It's also not like we will never ever again meet another someone, but I know when single it feels like we will never ever ever meet anyone again in our lifetimes. When single and not in a relationship  why does it seem like everyone else in his mother is in a relationship? Seriously, when I have been in a relationship it appears as if the world is single and happy, but have me be single and I swear everyone around me is a couple, therefore I tend to get self conscious about being single. As ridiculous as it may sound it's the truth.

      The truth is when we are single it SEEMS like everyone else all around is a couple, but everyone else is NOT a couple. Next, those that are couples are not ALL living a fairy tale romance. If one thinks about it, how many times have we ourselves been married or in a relationship and been miserable? Unfortunately all too often. I can't even begin to count the times I have been a couple and wished that I were single and not part of being a "couple". In reflecting on those wondrous days of being a  "couple", suddenly being single doesn't make me feel quite so self conscious about being single.

          Feeling self conscious and single? Don't!  All one needs is to think back to, is the many miserable times as a couple. I myself can recall arguments with my ex hubby on all too many golf courses, an all out war in Paris, only the most romantic city in the world, as well as fights in five star restaurants and resorts. Self conscious about being single? No not I and anyone else who can recall those glorious days of being a couple. Seriously, look back and I can guarantee being single won't seem so bad at all. In fact in remembering those not so fond times of being a couple, one suddenly feels a sense of peace, acceptance, and even happiness in being single. Suddenly one is not at all self conscious about being single, but quite self confident and content with being single. In fact many of us including myself finds themselves saying, "I'd rather be single...for now!

(c) Sean Bianca 2014 





Friday, September 5, 2014

Marley Over Men!

        Marley over men? Yes, absolutely, and I am quite sure that I am not the only woman that would prefer an evening with her dog over an evening with a man. Likewise I believe many men would prefer spending an evening with their dog over a woman as well. Nights seem more meaningful playing fetch and having my pants pulled down by Marley than nights of dressing up in dresses and heels for ridiculous flirting and chit chat. More and more singles are opting to stay in with their dogs, cats, and exotic pets than go out with an insignificant person of the opposite sex. 

       Quality, the lack of quality in people today is a big deterrent in wasting one's free time with a person of the opposite sex. I for one am quite over getting to know men that turn into complete disappointments, as I am sure many men have experienced  with women as well. If one thinks about it, one could go into a deep depression. How many hours, days , months and years have we wasted on people that quite frankly weren't worth our time? 

    Seriously, looking back at some of the meaningless craziness that I have been through I think I surely may need my head examined. Life is short and to waste precious time on people that don't appreciate our time and aren't worth our time is a crime! What was I thinking? Clearly I wasn't. I've been involved with a man whose son was a drug addict that I had to not leave my purse around who was a sociopath , drug addicts,a gambling addict, a man with a schizophrenic sister who refused to brush her hair for fear it would fall out, as well as a sister with anger management problems, a Madoff wannabe, and a man with  undeniably the most dysfunctional family one has ever seen. I spent nights of my life going to hospitals for a man that was addicted to pain pills, other nights worrying about where my boyfriend could be, as it sure as hell wasn't with me, a night being subjected to a a man's mother flossing her teeth in the living room, another night observing a man's mother behaving as a drunken sow, and some nights lying on couches with men that were too depressed to speak, go out, or do much of anything! Someone should have surely committed me.  As if those men weren't bad enough I also wasted time on complete disaster online dating meet and greets, all in the name of finding true love! 

    As hindsight is twenty twenty I can honestly say not one of the men with whom I was involved was worth my time on this earth. My time would have been far better spent cuddling up on the couch with my pets! I know my pets would have appreciated my time more than the knumknuts I dated that's for sure. Perhaps if I'd been successful in changing one of these disaster's lives I could say a good deed was done, but unfortunately these men are today in the very same place that they were when I met them,nowhere. 

     As the definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again expecting different results I have hopefully changed. Those red flags? I now see them and obey them. I don't ignore them. I need not waste my time hiding my handbag from a crazy addict son,I don't need to spend an evening watching rednecks floss their teeth while in conversation, and I don't care to spend my nights worrying about someone that cares not about my feelings. 

    Perhaps it's my age. Perhaps it's the fact that I have a birthday coming up. I just do not care to waste my life getting to know men and their families that aren't worth it. Life is short and do we really care to know some man's family and a man's past that we'll likely never see again? Not only that, do we really want these people to know about us? Do we really want to waste our friend's time introducing these people to them only to have it fail? I feel sorry for my poor friends that have had to endure meeting my latest and greatest.

   Then again perhaps my failure to choose men worth my time has not all been in vain. I will forever be the hysterical topic of conversation for one couple that had to meet a man by the name of "Andrew". Every time this couple dines at a specific Thai restaurant they tell friends of their single friend whose date left  her at the dinner table while she was in the powder room. As I was not into this man and he might have been on to me, he actually paid for "his" dinner and bottle of wine, and bolted. That night would surely have been better spent with my furry children!

    Marley over men, that's my stand. Life is too short to spend it with people that burst into our lives with the facade that they are the "love" of our lives! I do want a partner again, but one that is as true and loyal as my dog and one that is that "best friend with chemistry". The bottom line is until that man that deserves my free time comes along, I am now choosing "Marley over men", and yes, "I'd rather be single...for now!"
(c) Sean Bianca 2014



Monday, September 1, 2014

Best Friend With Chemistry!

      Best friend with chemistry, that's what I want in my next significant other. I want to want to spend time with the man I am with. I want the man I'm with to want to spend time with me. Sounds rather ridiculous in that one would assume that couples that are couples are together due to their enjoying spending time with one another. Never assume! The truth of the matter is many couples that are together do NOT enjoy spending time with one another, in fact they abhor it!

      I used to wonder why people would stay together that couldn't stand one another. I had a friend that lived in a 3 million dollar home that would drive around the block some ten times as to not have to run into her husband. This friend would call me complaining as to how she preferred life when her husband was away on business or working long hours at the office. This poor guy worked his butt off to one day be able to enjoy his success and stay home when he desired. Unfortunately this man's wife didn't share his sentiments. His wife preferred to enjoy  his success spending his money, but didn't care to be with her honey. This couple is now divorced surprise, surprise.

       As I thought my friend was awful to want to see her husband as little as possible, I ended up being in the very same predicament. While I never avoided going home due to my hubby's being at home, I did say many times, "dam he's already home! How sad that I had become just like my friend in not wanting to go home due to my husband being home. I suppose he had a right to be there. After all he had paid for our home. Unfortunately,I didn't want him there, and that was a problem. It was a big problem in that why was I married to someone that I didn't want to have to be around? 

      Best friend with chemistry, that's all I ever wanted in a husband. I don't know I guess I had grand visions of my husband being my buddy. He'd be my snuggle buddy, my golf buddy, my work out buddy, my everything buddy. I wanted my husband to be someone with whom I wanted to spend my time. I thought men and women got married because they fell in love, and liked being with one another. Then again I suppose people get married for various reasons. Some for a wallet, some for mere companionship, and others for status. I wanted my marriage to be the real thing, the stuff movies are made of and books are written. I didn't want a business deal, I wanted a best friend with chemistry.

      Best friend with chemistry, that's what I wanted and that's what I still want. I want a man that I can cuddle up on the couch with and watch tv, not a man that sits in a lazy boy as if it's his throne. I want a man whom I can enjoy walking the dog, not a man who may hang the dog. I want a man whom I can have fun with on the golf course, not a man that complains of my making a shadow in his line. Seriously? I didn't know I was on the course with the likes of Tiger Woods. I want a man that is impressed with my being athletic not a dipstick with an inferiority complex. I want a man whom has my back and I have his as well. I want a friend with whom I can laugh, cry, banter and tease. What I want isn't much to ask, it's really quite simple and if everyone actually married someone with whom they were in love and enjoyed spending time, there just might be a whole heck of a lot more successful marriages.

      The question is does anyone actually ever find a best friend with chemistry? Yes they do. A friend of mine informed me that he really didn't have any desire to hang out with his guy friends. He said, "you know I really like hanging out with my fiance', is that wrong?" My reply was no. I told him I thought that a man actually wanting to be with his fiance' was how it should be, and how I had wanted my marriage to be. The trouble is I think many of us get so wrapped up in wanting to be married and that biological clock ticking, that we forget what's truly important. Getting married is easy, it's marrying the right one that's difficult. I forgot what I wanted in a partner, and what I always wanted was a best friend with chemistry. Until I find that best friend or until he finds me, "I'd rather be single...for now!
(c) Sean Bianca 2014